What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy?
Nov 22nd, 2010 | By | Category: BlogThis essay by the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness, with several chapters in the United States, has an excellent discussion of the nature of the separate polyamorist and polygamy communities.
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I’m new here. My web site is rather old, not updated recently, but still pertinent as far as it goes, and deals with my total philosophy, not just relationships. I consider myself to be seeking ‘universal love’, therefore polyamorous. “-Gamous” suggests being more about making babies. But it’s all about communication and intimacy, in whatever mode. Part of the goal of universal love suggests bisexuality, but that’s more about seeing the gay-straight issue as a spectrum rather than categories. I’ll say more, probably much more, when I see more of what you’re about.
Dan Robinson
Thoughts on FAQs:
“A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people.”
I’m not sure if “romantic” really has meaning for me. I prefer communicative, honest, open, intimate.
“… you have a girlfriend on the side.”
“No. That is something different as well. The technical term for that is “cheating.” ”
To me, that depends on whether the mate knows, and maybe doesn’t object. Then it’s approaching poly. If the mate does object, but doesn’t leave, then there’s “informed consent”, but it’s a sad state for all parties and probably won’t last, as with many two-sided triangles. Nobody should be so dependent on another that they have to make such choices. I think polyamory only works to the degree there’s love between all members of a ‘community’. The more we truly love one another, the fewer rules we need.
What if the mate specifies he/she doesn’t want to know? How many of us got married with little idea how we’d feel six months or six years later? Should we simply get a divorce if one can’t handle changes? Too many relationships are based on the needs of parenthood, or tradition, though those may not be the real purposes.
“But if you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else.”
In at least one instance, making love with a new woman friend made me noticeably more attracted to everyone I met.
One problem here is in thinking of sex as the only expression of love. “Making love” should mean creating feelings of love, hopefully throughout the community, by doing nice things for others, in whatever mode. Making babies is another matter, since it involves much greater outside commitment.
We could also say that giving “heart” is a non-zero-sum game. “Love is somethin’ if you give it away, you end up having more.”
I think it’s unrealistic to say we give our “whole heart” to anyone or anything. There are always outside needs to keep in mind (and I don’t know where to draw much of a line between heart and mind). Besides giving our hearts versus money, we have to consider our time.
“Yeah? Like what kind of rules?”
My ideal would be that (as long as there’s some time left for ‘me’) everyone ‘makes/communicates love’ at every opportunity, in whatever mode (as long as they consider their communications to be safe for themselves) and bring ALL the ‘truths’ they gained back to offer to their other friends. Then the friends can decide which they want to accept. Ultimately, the only way we’ll reduce the social cost of sexually and otherwise transmitted diseases will be by evolving and adapting.
I moved to San Francisco in ’79 partly to look into Kerista and the atmosphere they created. But I decided, probably before I left Portland, that Kerista had way too many rules and not enough love. I liked Jud, but maybe he was too far beyond in some ways, and therefore too much of a God to most of his followers, as with many cults.
“…not about sex.”
There’s only a poly movement because mono is mainly about restricting it, 90% about sex and 9% about flirting/teasing, or maybe vice versa in terms of time spent. So the above is hard to justify. ….. Okay, you got it straight soon after. With polys, maybe it’s more about dealing with jealousies.
“But why would my lover want to shag someone else if I was adequate, hmm, smart boy?”
Nobody is totally adequate to anyone for anything all the time. Why would my co-worker want to work with someone else some of the time?
“Okay, so what’s the down side?”
That varies mostly with the level of dishonesty, sometimes with oneself.
“What about disease? If you have several lovers, don’t you worry about STDs?
I got gonorrhea in the Army and couldn’t imagine wanting to do things that would pass it on till it was cured. I’ve taken some risks since then, including in times of AIDS, less so in the last 15 years, been tested several times and I’m still healthy. I tend to wonder if I’m immune, as some people must be, since humans have evolved immunity in the past to some strains. It would be nice if there was a test for that.
In reasearching male contraceptives. I read that some ‘primitive’ tribesmen used a means of prophylaxis and contraception that early Romans improved upon, and that might be useful today, if anyone wants the slightly gory details.
“I even took two dates to my senior prom back in high school.”
I and many others are guessing they were both female. In any case, were two people bisexual, or were all gay, or was this somewhat of a two-sided triangle? Can we ever have active poly unless one of those are true? Or can we have active bisex without active poly?
How do you get started in a polyamorous relationship?
Instead of “How do I make it work”, a few years ago my question would have been, “How do I make it happen, intentionally?” But it’s a bit late because, for now, my life is too complicated and set. I’ve been involved in Family Synergy (late in their life), HAI, Summer Camp and Love Tribe, but haven’t made the right connections. It’s probably because of my rather isolated childhood, and my parents, though fairly liberal, not able to talk with me about anything involving sex of any sort. I had also learned some about it earlier and was maybe afraid of asking revealing questions. I learned to think for my self a lot, a seeming requirement for being poly, but which distances one even from the ‘misfits’. Well, also, I was 45 before it was clear to me that conventional marriage wasn’t for me. But you never know. Something coming up tomorrow may change that.
Some questions of my own:
To what degree is “men are poly and women mono” true? When gay bathhouses were popular, was there anything equivalent for lesbians? Is poly perhaps a branch of male domination?
Could we say that the difference between making love and mutual masterbation is about how much we do it for the other(s) instead of just for ourselves?
Dan Robinson